Ugh, camping! Is there anything worse than packing only the “bear” essentials and venturing yonder into the great outdoors? Fresh air, wildlife, and nearly free family fun sounds like a recipe for utter disaster. Having the freedom to plan your own itinerary (without a Groupon), immersing yourself in Mother Nature (#NoFilter), and sleeping under the stars is the exact opposite of what today’s hyper-connected families want. Although you probably don’t need another excuse to never go camping, here are nine:

1. Camping Isn’t Glamorous

You’ll be trading in crappy room service, loud neighbors, and those laughable 3-ounce shower bottles for an expansive and secluded camping site. I mean, who really wants a lake or mountain-range view when they could instead see way-too-much of Uncle Bart in his new Speedo?

2. You Can’t #Hashtag Anything

Your kids won’t be able to maintain their frenetic Snapchatting, Instagramming, & Tweeting pace. Nor will their time be controlled by the battery life of the latest iProduct. Why would they ever want to exercise something other than their fingers anyway?

3.It’s Like Spitting In The Face of Modern Convenience

The hint of old cigarettes and industrial-strength bathroom cleaners are far more appealing scents than the smell of delicious, slightly burnt marshmallows over a roaring fire. S’more of what? No thanks – I just treated myself to a bag of stale Cheetos from the vending machine!

4. There Are No Organic or GMO-Free Labels

Your family will be forced to consume home-cooked meals prepared over an open fire instead of fast food, buffets, and “freshly” prepared supermarket foods. Pesticides…they add flavor!

5. You’ll Miss Your Crossfit Class

Hiking sounds exhausting – especially for all those poor calories you’ll be burning. You’re probably better off taking your chances on the 15-year old hotel treadmill…assuming ol’ Bart hasn’t hijacked it in hopes of fitting into his sexy new banana hammock the next morning!

6. There’s Nothing To See

All the glistening nighttime stars really do is distract you from the countless streetlights, home, business, and car lights – not to mention the smog. You’d rather just enjoy humanity’s “progress” at home in the city. Is that the little dipper? Nope, it’s a 747 carrying approximately $40,000 in extra baggage fees!

7. You’re Surrounded By Wild Animals

Interacting with wildlife in nature seems unnecessary. After all, the city is home to all kinds of interesting species: sewer rats the size of small dogs, hybrid roaches with wings, and rogue pigeons hopped up on discarded nicotine patches and Mountain Dew. Avoiding road kill is much more interactive than observing a doe and her young fawn majestically grazing in the distance.

8. There Are No Pet Spas

Just ask your dogs: they’d no doubt rather spend your 2-week vacation locked in a kennel at a strange facility than accompany you on your family travels. Not like there’s anything for them to do out there anyway – there are no cars to chase or neighbor’s trashcans to knock over!

9. Camping Just Isn’t Exciting Enough

Traveling on an unpredictable schedule 40,000 feet in the air locked inside a germ-infested tube while wedged between Bart and Chatty Cathy as they discuss the latest summer stylings is the ONLY way to do a family vacation! Two tickets for $2,500 with the near-guarantee of being bounced from the flight? Book it!

Editor’s Note: This post was written by Kelli McDaniel.

Have More Camping Fun!

Camping Tips for Newbies

Ultimate Camping Packing List – Never Forget Anything Again

A Simple RV Tip to Save You Embarrassment