I feel good that I am working. I like to work. Just not everyday. I feel good that my kids have accepted my schedule. I feel good when I return home on Friday night after having had a break. And then I wonder if missing 2 days of my 4 year olds life, which I can never get back, is worth it.
Some days I will conjure up an image of a blissful family together everyday with me as a mom who doesn’t work. Then the reality bus comes careening around the corner of my fantasy blaring its horn. I snap out of it and get on the bus. The truth is that my bliss comes in a different way. It makes me who I am. Most of the time, I feel good about myself and my motherability – great new word. I just have to take this job week by week and see how it goes. The money is great to have but I have to be honest with myself and accept that I do it because I like it.
One very difficult thing for me about traveling overnight during the week is that it is so emotionally difficult to take any additional time away from being with my family. This past week, I traveled to NJ for one overnighter, and can’t help but feel like every waking moment the next 2 days has to be spent with full focus on the kids. It was even hard for me to go to a yoga class!
My main concern of the week is that I plan to attend an overnight yoga retreat this Saturday. I am not stressed about working out the 3 baseball schedules, the birthday parties or even who is going to care for 2 of my kids while my son is on an overnight camping trip with my husband. No, I am worried about the past – that I have not spent enough quality time with my kids in the past week, that I am going back to NJ in a few days. I feel anxious. Deep breath. I’m going anyway.